When Boredom Strikes
by Lozy-2610
Summary: It's stopped raining in Amegakure because... Pein's bored? It's causing problems for all the Akatsuki members and it's their mission to sort it out before somebody gets hurts! Crackfic - rating for some swearing and possible violence.
1. 01: We're Off To See The Leader

**Authors Note:** Well this story basically reflects on my feelings at the moment; hyperactivity caused by boredom. You know, when you get so bored that you have to do something about it, so you start messing around and doing random things to entertain yourself. Basically when you get so bored, stuff you'd normally find stupid suddenly becomes a whole lot of fun… or is it just me?

* * *

**When Boredom Strikes**

Chapter 1: We're Off To See The Leader!

It was a beautifully sunny day outside. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, the grass was a lush green, and small, cute, fluffy animals ran around enjoying the unusually good weather. This would be wonderful news for all villages. All except for one that is, and as fate would have it, this was the village that was 'suffering from sunshine'.

"Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is Amegakure, un." Deidara said looking over at his wooden partner, Sasori.

"No, for once you're right." Sasori said dryly.

Deidara ignored the back-handed compliment. "So… why isn't it raining? I mean, it's not even cloudy, un." Not that Deidara particularly missed the humidity; it made his hair go frizzy. It was just very odd and he was very curious.

"You'll have to take it up with the Leader. He's the one in control of the weather around here." Sasori replied.

"Great idea, un!" Deidara grabbed Sasori's wrist and dragged him off in the direction of the Leader's tower. "Let's go, yeah!"

"You got me to say that on purpose didn't you, because you're too scared to go on your own." Sasori sighed, depressed at being out-smarted by the blonde.

Deidara just smiled enigmatically in response.

* * *

"All this sun…" Kisame whined to his partner. "It's drying my skin out."

"…" Itachi replied. Fortunately for Kisame, he had long ago learned to understand the Uchiha's silent pauses. It translated roughly as 'well, what are you going to do about it?'

The two continued to leisurely stroll around the village in silence, enjoying their time off from missions (well, one of them was enjoying himself anyway). It was a regular occurrence of the Uchiha/Hoshigaki team, as they claimed it helped them to improve on their teamwork. It must have had some affect on the pair because they're the only partnership in the Akatsuki that can go for more than a minute without arguing. Even Zetsu was prone to the more than occasional disagreement between his two sides.

"Ahhh! I can't take this anymore! I'm going to see the Leader!" Kisame decided. "You coming?"

Predictably, Itachi's reply was "…". Kisame understood this to mean 'might as well.' However, Kisame suspected there was a subtle undertone of 'this should be vaguely amusing. You're going to get your ass kicked for complaining.'

* * *

Zetsu was worried. Being part plant, he relied on the rain to get the water he needed. It was part of why he had joined the Akatsuki in the first place, because in Amegakure he could rely on a consistent rainfall pattern. Except with the week of continual sunshine, it was causing him serious problems; he was beginning to wilt.

"Tobi, I'm going to see the Leader. I'll be back later." Zetsu explained to his 'shadow'. Wherever he went, Tobi followed him, begging Zetsu to let him join Akatsuki, even though there wasn't a space available. If Tobi didn't stop annoying him soon, he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

"Ohhh! I'll come too, Zetsu-san!" Tobi volunteered unnecessarily.

"No. That's okay." Zetsu replied hurriedly. "I can go on my own." Zetsu finally had the chance to escape his 'shadow' and Tobi wasn't going to take it away from him.

"You don't have to go on your own, Zetsu-san! That's what friends are for!" Tobi said happily. "And Tobi really wants to meet the Leader!"

"I really don't mind…" Zetsu was beginning to panic. Trying to get rid of Tobi was like trying to shake off your arm – impossible (unless you're Kakuzu but that's a different story).

Tobi looked down, seeming like he was about to burst into tears at any second. "Tobi understands, Zetsu-san. I thought we were friends but you don't think of us that way. I can tell you don't want me to go." Tobi said in a quiet, melancholy tone.

"**What was your first clue?" **Zetsu's black side muttered.

His white side was more sympathetic however. "Okay Tobi. You can come." He sighed.

"Yey!" Tobi started to leap around happily.

"-But…" Zetsu interrupted Tobi's celebrations. "You have to remain silent, not cause trouble for anyone, and under no accounts beg the Leader to let you join Akatsuki."

"Okay Zetsu-san." Tobi chirped. "Tobi can manage that. He will make Zetsu-san proud of him."

They both started the short journey towards the Leaders current residence, Tobi skipping happily at Zetsu's side.

"Please God, don't let me live to regret this." Zetsu prayed quietly. He wasn't the religious type, but where Tobi was concerned, he suspected he was going to need all the help he could get.

* * *

"Hidan." Kakuzu attempted to gain his partner's attention.

"Hidan." He tried again a little louder but there was still no reaction.

"Hidan!" He all but yelled with still no acknowledgement from his partner, who was currently sat only a few feet away from him.

Kakuzu sighed. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and this was definitely desperate times. "Hidan, I've given what you've said a lot of thought and I've decided that it makes sense. I want to convert to Jashin."

Hidan looked up from his prayers, wondering if he'd misheard. He'd dreamt about having a fellow follower of Jashin as a partner in Akatsuki for as long as he'd been there, and now it was finally coming true. His life-long dedication to his God wasn't all in vein after all. "Really?"

"Hell no!" Kakuzu sneered. "But while I have your attention, we have a more important matter."

"A matter more important than Jashin-sama doesn't exist." Hidan said, sulking at having being deceived by Kakuzu.

"Maybe not to you, but for the rest of the world, there is. It's stopped raining." Kakuzu stated.

"No shit Sherlock." Hidan muttered.

"So, what are we going to do? This is a crisis!" Kakuzu said, his calm countenance starting to disappear.

"If you say so." Hidan said losing interest. He returned back to praying, not wanting to listen to Kakuzu's oncoming tirade.

"If it's not raining, then no one's going to buy umbrella's, and if no one's buying umbrellas, no one's selling umbrellas and that includes us! What am I going to do with 1,000 umbrellas!" Kakuzu stressed.

"Donate them to charity?" Hidan suggested not really caring. He was trying his hardest to concentrate on praying.

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Kakuzu shouted outraged. "AND GIVE AWAY PERFECTLY GOOD STOCK FOR NOTHING! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST?"

Hidan had finally given up on praying. It was proving impossible whilst his partner was yelling, and when people interrupt Hidan's praying, he gets extremely angry. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hidan roared. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING UMBRELLAS SO BE QUIET AND LET ME FUCKING PRAY!"

Kakuzu had reached his limits also. He took a kunai out of his weapon's pouch and sliced through Hidan's neck, removing his head, and splattering blood everywhere in the process.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR? THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT!" Hidan screamed in rage but was unable to retaliate due to being separated from his body and his scythe.

"Shut up and listen to me." Kakuzu hissed. "We are going to get the money for the umbrellas no matter what. In order to sell them, we need it to rain. So, who here has control over the weather."

"The Leader, asshole!" Hidan snarled.

"Bingo! Which is why you're coming with me to discuss business." Kakuzu explained. "That is, if you ever want to be reunited with your body."

Hidan hated this. Every time they had an argument it always ended in him being beheaded and Kakuzu using it to threaten him. And of course, he had no choice but to go along (he'd tried biting him before but that just resulted in Kakuzu removing his teeth, and that was something he never wished to experience again). "Fine. I'll go with you." Hidan muttered. "But as soon as I get my body back-"

"-You're going to be eternally grateful." Kakuzu finished sweetly. "Let's get going then, shall we?"

He didn't wait for a reply and started walking, swinging Hidan's head around by his hair, seemingly oblivious to the cursing and screams of pain.

* * *

In the leader's tower, Konan was having troubles of her own. She suspected that she knew the reason behind the recent outburst of sunshine, and she was going to be the one who had to deal with it.

"Konan!" She heard Pein shout from his office.

"I'm coming!" She replied, not moving from her comfortable spot in front of the TV.

"NOW!" He demanded, using his telepathic connection jutsu to make sure she heard her orders.

"Alright, alright." She muttered, slowly dragging herself up and walking as slowly as possible to Pein's office. She eventually reached it and knocked softly on the door; half hoping he wouldn't hear her.

"Come in." She heard his voice instruct.

She walked in and stared at Pein, not quite sure what to think. He was sat on top of his desk. Important documents that he had been working on were spread out across the floor untidily to make room for him as he sat cross legged, his chin resting in his cupped hands. Oh God, it couldn't be… not again!

Her suspicions were confirmed by his next words.

"Konan." He began seriously. "I'm bored."


	2. 02: On The Beach

Chapter 2: On The Beach

"Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke, un." Deidara muttered.

"It's some kind of sick joke." Replied Konan blankly.

"Really?"

"No."

The rest of the present Akatsuki members groaned. They were all secretly hoping that what Konan had just told them was a really bad joke but apparently that wasn't to be.

"Oh hell no! I did not join Akatsuki to baby-sit the fucking leader!" Hidan protested.

"Come on! The sooner you do it, the quicker you'll get your rain back." Konan persuaded.

"I don't give a shit about the rain!" Hidan whined.

Kakuzu, who was still holding Hidan's head, glared at the follower of Jashin.

Hidan realized the unspoken threat in this look. "Fine, but I'm not going first!" He voiced.

"Well, I've already tried and it didn't work, so is there anyone else who wants a go?" Konan asked the group.

Everyone was silent apart from Tobi. "Ooh! Pick me Konan-san! Pick me!"

"Nobody?" She asked, looking around at the currently present members, ignoring Tobi. "OK, I guess we'll have to draw numbers out of a hat." She told them.

"By 'we', you mean 'us', don't you?" Kisame said.

Konan just smiled pleasantly and shoved a hat in front of him. She went around the whole group until everyone (except Tobi and her) had a number.

"Sweet! I'm last, un!" Deidara said happily.

"Sixth." Sasori told the group, pleased to be penultimate although it didn't show on his face.

"Number 2." Zetsu said, yet again praying to God that whoever went before him succeeded so he wouldn't have to do this stupid mission.

"I'm third. Well that's just fucking peachy." Hidan said sarcastically.

"Five." Kakuzu said, not particularly caring. The chances are that someone will finish the mission before his turn came up.

"Fourth." Itachi stated, already planning out in his mind what he was going to do if his turn came up.

"I'm first…" Kisame said. "Anyone want to swap?" He asked hopefully. He wasn't particularly surprised when nobody offered.

"OK Kisame. The Leader's in his office, you know your mission, so, good luck!" Konan said. The rest of the members looked at him sympathetically.

"I don't know what you're all so smug about! You're coming with me!" Kisame told them.

"WHAT!" They exclaimed in unison.

"You heard me! My plan needs you all to come along if this is going to work." He explained, feeling slightly cheered up by everyone else's unhappiness.

"Hey! It's your turn to go and stop the Leader's boredom, so you should go do it on your own, un!" Deidara whined. The rest nodded in agreement.

"Do you want this to work or not?" Kisame asked.

The rest of the group was silent. "Fine…" Deidara muttered.

"OK then, let's go!" Kisame said, leading the group in the direction of the Leader's office. When they arrived, he barged straight in, not bothering to knock as the rest of them followed him in.

"Leader-sama, we going…" He trailed off as he noticed what the Leader was doing.

He was sat on the floor this time, blowing bubbles in the group's general direction. "Want a go?" Pein offered pleasantly.

"No thanks, that's OK." Kisame said, slightly worried about the Leader's mental health. He hadn't taken what Konan had said earlier seriously, but now… well. Being the Leader of an organization like Akatsuki must be pretty stressful, he supposed, so I guess some time off would do him good, which is why his plan was perfect. "Anyway, we're going to the beach!" He exclaimed.

"Really?" The Leader asked, looking slightly more upbeat at the break in the monotony of his day.

"Yep, so go pack your stuff and we can go." Kisame turned to face the others. "And that goes for the rest of you too!"

There was a lot of groaning and muttering as people trailed back out of the room to pack the necessary items. There were only two people who seemed excited at the prospect of a trip and they were Tobi and the Leader.

The only person who was completely silent throughout the whole ordeal was Itachi. Kisame was sure his current silent pause meant 'nice one Kisame' although he couldn't tell if it was intended to be sarcastic or not.

* * *

"Thank you for letting me join in Kisame-san!" Tobi called over to the shark-nin from where he was currently paddling in the sea with the Leader.

"No problem!" Kisame replied, relived that at least someone was enjoying themselves.

"Thank you very much Kisame. Its not you who has to put up with him." Zetsu muttered. His sympathy for Tobi had long gone after he'd broken his promise to Zetsu within five minutes.

"**He's lucky we're cannibals, otherwise I'd take great pleasure in eating him." **Zetsu's black side commented.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Kisame asked haughtily. He was very sensitive about his selachimorpha ancestry, and disliked anyone saying he was less of a human because of it (even though he technically was).

"Nothing, nothing!" Zetsu's white side said hurriedly, not wishing to start a fight with Kisame in his natural terrain. It would be suicidal, especially if he was enraged by a remark about his heritage. Zetsu had seen what had happened to the last person who insulted Kisame and it wasn't pretty. The remains that were left were completely inedible, even for him.

Kisame smiled, his rows of sharp, white teeth glinting threateningly in the light. "Good."

* * *

"Well this is boring, un." Deidara complained to Sasori whilst attempting to make a sandcastle.

"Why are you even bothering then?" Sasori asked uninterestedly. He was too busy emptying sand out of Hiruko, which was beginning to become a nuisance.

"So I can blow it up after, un." Deidara explained. "And anyway, aren't you originally from Sunagakure?"

Sasori nodded in confirmation. "So?"

"Well shouldn't you be used to the sand then, with living in the desert and all, un?"

Sasori just glared at him.

* * *

"You said you've already had your go." Kakuzu said to Konan. "So what did you try?"

"When he usually gets this bored, I take him out to get a piercing, which is what I tried this time, but it didn't work." She explained.

Kakuzu looked over to where the source of all their troubles was paddling in the sea. He didn't notice any new piercings...

…Unless it wasn't visible at the moment… and the Leader's choice of swimwear didn't really leave much to the imagination.

"I really don't want to think about that!" Kakuzu shuddered.

Konan suddenly noticed that things were very quiet. "Hey! Where's Hidan's head?"

"Hmm? Oh, over there." Kakuzu gestured to somewhere behind them where a group of young children were building sandcastles.

"I can't see him…" Konan said looking around, trying to shield the sun from her eyes.

"That's because I buried it."

* * *

"Grrrr! I hate sand, un!" Deidara cursed. It was getting everywhere; in his hair, all four of his mouths, and of course, his unmentionable area. "It's stupid! You can't even make a decent castle out of the stuff, un!"

After about an hour of trying to sculpt something even remotely resembling a sandcastle, he had finally given up and was now looking for something else he could blow up instead.

He scanned the beach area looking for something suitable when a sandcastle caught his eye behind Konan and Kakuzu. "Perfect, un!"

He grabbed a chunk of clay from his bag and started sculpting. "This should be rather appropriate for the moment, un!" Deidara commented as he showed his miniature Leader to Sasori.

Even Sasori had to smirk at the thought of blowing the Leader up for all the problems he had caused. "Go for it."

Deidara didn't need to be told twice. Sasori watched as he ran over to where the children were adding the finishing touches to their sandcastle. It looked like he said something to them before planting the bomb and running back to where Sasori was waiting.

* * *

"EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Konan and Kakuzu were rudely awakened from their afternoon nap on the beach by the children behind them screaming messages of death and destruction. "THE CRAZY WOMAN'S PLANTED A BOMB OVER THERE! GET AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!"

Kakuzu and Konan shared a look. "Crazy woman?"

"Bomb?"

"They must mean-"

"Deidara!" They exclaimed in unison. They both got up, running as fast as is possible on a beach, towards the sea where the rest of the group now were.

"Deidara's gonna blow up the place! We need to go NOW!" Konan told the group.

"Oh shit!" Kisame cursed.

There was a loud sound as they all teleported to a safe distance to avoid getting turned to dust.

* * *

Meanwhile, the blonde responsible for the entire evacuation of the beach was stood with Sasori about 200 meters away from the bomb.

"Okay! Let's do this, un!" Deidara told his partner. "Katsu!"

There was a tiny pop as a small amount of sand blew about 5 feet up in the air.

"That was pathetic." Sasori commented as they started to walk towards the remains of the sandcastle.

"It was perfect!" Deidara retorted angrily. "I only wanted to blow the sandcastle up, which I did. I got the amount of explosives exactly right for the task and even you have to admit the statuette of the Leader was a good idea."

Sasori remained silent as they arrived at the tiny hole in the sand. They peered into it and immediately wished they hadn't.

"Thank Jashin! It's about fucking time someone came to get me!" Hidan's head told them.

Sasori and Deidara really didn't feel like dealing with Hidan at the moment (Sasori was still pissed off about all the sand in Hiruko, and Deidara still had a grudge against Hidan for all the Deidara-chan comments), and so started walking back to the base to join the rest of the members.

"Hey! Where are you going! Come back! I need you to take me back to the headquarters!"

Hidan finally stopped yelling half an hour later when he realised they weren't coming back. This didn't stop him from trying to get the last word in though. "Well fuck you, Deidara-chan!"

* * *

"It's still not raining." Tobi sighed. "If sempai hadn't of ruined it, Tobi thinks Kisame's plan would have worked!"

"Oh yeah? Well you try going to the beach with long hair and three extra mouths and see how you get on!" Deidara suggested heatedly.

"No thank you sempai! Tobi's not a freak like you!"

"TOOOBBIII!"


	3. 03: Hide And Seek

Chapter 3: Hide and Seek

"Oooooo! Look what Tobi found in the post!" The masked man held up Hidan's head proudly.

"OWWWW! Watch the fucking hair!" Hidan yelled, annoyed at yet again being picked up by his hair.

It was two days after the escapade at the beach, and all the members of Akatsuki, except the Leader, were sat around the table eating breakfast. "I thought we'd left you at the beach, un…" Deidara said looking confused. Sasori and Kakuzu nodded.

"You did, you bastards!" Hidan hissed. "When judgement day comes, you fuc-"

"-So how did you get back?" Kakuzu cut Hidan off, not wanting to listen to his 'preaching' first thing in the morning. Not that he wanted to listen to it ever - the morning was just even worse than usual.

Hidan snorted. "These three dumb kids came along and I managed to persuade them to post me back here…"

* * *

**Flashback:**

"_NARUTO! GET BACK HERE!"_

"_I'M SORRY SAKURA-CHAN! I DIDN'T MEAN TO TOUCH YOUR BREASTS! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, HONEST!"_

_The other Akatsuki members had left about three hours ago, and Hidan was waiting impatiently in his hole for someone to get him out._

"_Hey! Over here!" Hidan yelled, trying to attract attention._

_His prayers were answered as a dark haired boy looked down at him blankly._

"_A little help?" Hidan asked testily._

"_Who are you?" The boy asked cautiously._

"_Your fairy godmother." He replied sarcastically. "Now get me out of this fucking hole!"_

_The boy sighed realising he wasn't going to get a sensible answer, and walked off in the direction of the ruckus._

"_Hey! You! Get back here now and help me!" Hidan shouted at the boy's retreating back._

"_Sasuke! Tell Sakura-chan you pushed me and it was an accident!" The voice belonging to the person Hidan assumed to be called Naruto yelled._

"_I pushed Naruto and it was an accident that he touched your breasts." Sasuke said obediently, wishing they'd both just shut up so they could finish their mission._

"_Oh… if you say so Sasuke-kun!" Her voice was so sickly sweet that it made Hidan want to puke (but that wasn't physically possible for him at the moment, due to being separated from his stomach)._

_Hidan was getting really irritated now. "One of you three, will you just get me the fuck out of here!" He yelled._

_Hidan heard three pairs of footsteps approaching and this time saw a blonde boy and pink haired girl staring down at him. The dark haired boy from before was behind them, looking as though he wished to be a long way away._

"_What happened to you!" Naruto started giggling._

"_Well, obviously I got buried, now will you just fucking hurry it up and get me out of here!"_

_Naruto reached into the shallow hole, about to pull Hidan out._

"_Wait!"_

"_We don't know if he's an enemy yet!"_

_Unsurprisingly, Naruto ignored the other two, grabbed Hidan's hair and yanked him up._

"_OH MY GOD! IT'S JUST A HEAD! WITH NO BODY!" Sakura yelled, falling backwards, now out cold._

_Naruto screamed and threw the head away, holding onto Sasuke for protection._

"_Get off me dobe!" Sasuke punched Naruto, where he fell to the floor and started cowering, muttering something about hating ghosts._

_Sasuke walked over to the head and picked it up, holding it as far away from him as possible. "What are you?"_

"_An immortal obviously. Now if you don't mind, do us all a favour and post me back to the address I give you." Hidan instructed._

_Realising he might be able to get something out of it, Naruto ran over. "Take us out for ramen and you've got a deal!"_

"_Naruto, wait!" Sasuke interrupted._

"_Deal! As you can see, I'm separated from my pockets at the moment, but post the bill back with my head and I'll see that it gets paid." He bargained._

"_Okay, let's go eat ramen!" Naruto yelled happily. He picked Sakura up, who was still unconscious, and ran off in the direction of… well, who knows where?_

* * *

**Present time:**

"You brought a bill back with you." Kakuzu asked. "Let's see it."

Tobi passed the ramen bill to Kakuzu. He nearly fell off the chair when he saw the seven figure sum at the bottom. "I thought you said you'd taken three kids out to eat, one who I might add was unconscious, not an entire army regiment!"

"The blonde kid ate a lot." Hidan shrugged. "You can take care of that for me, can't you?" Hidan asked Kakuzu.

"WHAT!" Kakuzu exclaimed.

"Well the rest of us have got no money, so you'll have to pay it." Hidan told Kakuzu. The rest of the group nodded in agreement.

Kakuzu really did fall off his chair this time.

"I think you've killed him, un." Deidara said, poking Kakuzu with his foot. There was no movement. "Sweet! I'm sooo taking my inheritance now, un!" Deidara reached towards Kakuzu's pocket, only to have his hands tied together by Kakuzu's strings.

"Don't even think about it." Kakuzu hissed tightening his hold around Deidara's wrists until the lips on his hands turned blue.

"I was kidding, un!" The blonde panicked, not wanting to lose his hands. Kakuzu continued to tighten the knot until Deidara was screaming in agony.

"…" Itachi commented. It was hard to hear over Deidara's girlish shrieking but Kisame somehow managed and translated for the rest; "We all know you'd do exactly the same thing if your roles were reversed, so stop acting so righteous."

Kakuzu looked thoughtful. "Good point." He released his hold on Deidara, who fell onto the floor whimpering and clutching his wrists.

Sasori decided on a whim to actually do something nice for Deidara and distract the attention away from his pathetic moment. "So Zetsu, what have you got planned for today?" He asked uninterestedly. He didn't particularly care; he just wanted someone to finish the dumb mission so they could go back to finding their Jinchūriki.

"We're going for a walk in the forest." Zetsu replied.

"Ooooo… walking through the forest! That's not something we do very often as ninjas! Only about…oh, I don't know… EVERY FUCKING DAY!" Hidan yelled. "AND I CAN'T EVEN WALK BECAUSE SOME LITTLE SHIT IS HOLDING MY BODY HOSTAGE!" Most of the members were thinking 'he has a point'.

Zetsu ignored Hidan's little temper tantrum. "I think it's rather pleasant to go for a leisurely stroll, taking in the scenery, instead of running through it being chased by hunter-nins, or tailing a target we have to assassinate."

"We're S-class criminals. We're always being chased by hunter-nins, Zetsu." Sasori commented.

Zetsu just shrugged. "I'm going to go and break the news to the Leader." He stood up and left the other's to deal with Deidara's crying and Hidan's tantrum. And now, with the Leader the way he was, and Tobi being Tobi, Zetsu was being to wonder if this was actually a kindergarten and not an elite shinobi organization.

* * *

Zetsu knocked on the door to the Leader's office.

"Come in!" He heard the Leader reply.

"I just thought I'd let you know, Leader-sama, that we're going for a walk in the forest." Zetsu informed him. He sighed inwardly as he saw that the Leader was reading a shoujo manga again.

"Are you taking a picnic?" Pein asked.

"I wasn't going to originally but if you want, I can arrange something." Zetsu offered.

"Please." Pein replied. He looked back down at his 'unusual' choice of reading material. "You can go now." Pein dismissed him and he walked back to the kitchen to join the others.

* * *

"Hey sempai! Check this out!" Tobi yelled. He picked up Hidan's head and held it out in front of him. "Alas! Poor Yorick. I knew him well."

"You idiot, Tobi! You've got it completely wrong, un! It's like this…" He snatched Hidan's head off Tobi and held it out in front of him. "Alas, Poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now?"

"I didn't think you were the type to be interested in Shakespeare." Kisame commented.

"I have a degree in performing arts, actually, un." Deidara said.

"…" which in Itachi terms meant "I should have known. He's such a drama queen."

Kisame, being the only one who understood this, burst out laughing leaving everybody confused as to what was so funny.

Zetsu chose this moment to come back from making his picnic, and imparted great news on everyone. "We're going now."

Itachi said "…" which meant "here we go again…" whilst everyone else just groaned, annoyed at being dragged out for, what was in their eyes, no good reason.

"This is going to be so much fun, Zetsu-san!" Tobi chirped.

"Yes, it is." Zetsu replied smirking.

* * *

"I'm stuffed!" Kisame sighed, leaning back after eating lunch.

"That was really nice Zetsu… if you're such a good cook, why do you only eat corpses?" Konan asked.

"Human meat takes a long time to cook to get it perfect." Zetsu explained. "So I don't normally bother unless it's for a special occasion like this."

Everyone looked down at what they'd just been eating. "You mean that's…"

"Shit! I thought it was chicken!"

"Urghh! That's gross, un!"

"I think I'm gonna puke!"

The entire group except Zetsu, Sasori and Kisame ran off into the forest to throw up what they'd just eaten.

Sasori looked strangely at Kisame. "I didn't think you were a cannibal."

"Meh. I've always wanted to know what humans taste like. What about you?"

"I don't need to eat. I just have to inject the supplements I need once a day into my heart." He explained.

"Ohhh… I never noticed that you didn't eat…"

The rest of the non-cannibal members returned about ten minutes later looking slightly green.

"Okay, now we've all finished eating, let's play hide and seek!" Zetsu suggested.

Everyone looked at Zetsu like he'd gone mad. Everyone except Tobi.

"Great idea, Zetsu-san!" He jumped up and down ecstatically.

"Since you're so excited, why don't you first?" Zetsu suggested.

"**Except we're going to play a different version. The person who's 'it' has to go and hide, while the rest of us have to try and find them." **His black side explained.

"Like in Special A at Yahiro's birthday party?" The Leader questioned.

"What's 'Special A'?" Kisame whispered to Itachi.

"Isn't that a breakfast cereal?" Deidara asked confused.

"Oh God, don't tell me! You've been reading my mangas again?" Konan asked in exasperation.

"…" which Kisame understood to mean "it would appear to be some kind of shoujo manga."

"Oh…" The shark-nin replied.

"If this mission doesn't succeed soon, we're going to have to get him some medical help, un." Deidara muttered to Sasori, who nodded in agreement.

Tobi was completely oblivious to the oddness of their Leader at the moment. "Okay! Tobi's 'it'!" He ran away into the woods leaving the rest of the group sat there.

"So, anyone catch the game on last night?" Zetsu asked.

"Aren't we supposed to go and find him?" Konan asked.

"**Nope. This is called a 'Tobi-free zone' and its going to stay that way for as long as possible." **His black side told them.

"Let's go one better and turn it into a 'Tobi and Hidan-free zone'." Kakuzu said. He picked up Hidan's head and put it down where there was more space. He took several steps back.

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOI-"

Hidan was cut of as Kakuzu took a run up and kicked Hidan in the face, sending him flying way above the tree tops and disappearing in typical team rocket style.

"Nice kick, Kakuzu! You could have joined a football team!" Kisame praised.

Sasori looked over at Deidara. "Don't even think about it, un!" Deidara warned.

* * *

"That actually wasn't such a bad day out." Kakuzu said after they had returned to the base, Tobi and Hidan still missing. "It's a shame it didn't work though. It's still sunny outside."

"I'm not particularly bothered. I just wanted to get rid of Tobi for a bit." Zetsu replied.

"Yeah." Kakuzu snickered high-fiving Zetsu. "That was a pretty good idea of yours."

Sasori was sat in the corner with an extremely dark aura surrounding him, still upset at not being able to get rid of his partner for the day like the others had.

"Oh no!" Konan had a sudden realization. "I've missed Ugly Betty!"

"Oh, it's okay." Pein told her. "I've recorded it, so we can watch it later."

The rest of the group turned to stare at the Leader.

"Definitely medical help, un." Deidara muttered.

* * *

**Back in the forest:**

"When I next see Kakuzu, he's a dead man!" Hidan yelled.

"Who's a dead man?" Naruto asked.

"You again? Where did you come from?" Hidan asked. He noticed his two team mates were still with him, and the addition of an older looking man who he assumed to be their sensei.

"I don't suppose you can post me back again, can you?"

"Your friends don't seem to like you very much, do they?" Sasuke commented.

"Don't get cocky with me!" Hidan warned. "Just post me back."

"Sure thing, but it'll cost ya!" Naruto told him.

"Whatever. Just get on with it!"

Naruto walked over to the head and picked it up, his previous fears now gone. "Hey Sakura-chan! Check this out!" He held the head out in front of him. "Alas! Poor Yorick. I knew him well."

Tobi chose this moment to enter the scene. "You're doing it all wrong. It's like this…" He marched over to Naruto and took the head from him, launching into the monologue. "Alas, Poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now?

"Oh Jashin! Not again!"


	4. 04: The Pilgrimage

Chapter 4: The Pilgrimage

"Isn't it Hidan's turn next?" Kisame asked Konan.

"Yeah… it's going to be a problem if he doesn't get back soon." She replied.

"And then there's the problem of his body. He can't do anything without it, but how are we going to persuade Kakuzu to give it him back?"

At that moment the door to the living room crashed open and an orange masked blur ran in. "TOBI IS THE ALL-TIME CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE AT HIDE AND SEEK!" He yelled.

"Great. Tobi's back." Zetsu muttered to himself.

"Not one of you could find me!" Tobi proclaimed proudly.

"Uhhh, yeah… that must be it…" Zetsu said.

"But Tobi, you didn't happen to see Hidan's head in the forest, did you?" Konan questioned.

"Yeah. He was playing Hamlet with those three young ninja friends of his." Tobi told them. "So I left them to it."

"So you didn't bring him back?" Kakuzu asked hopefully, then suddenly realised something horrific. "Oh God no! If he was with those three…"

There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it, un!" Deidara picked himself up off the sofa and walked to the front door.

He pulled it open. "Yeah?"

"Special delivery. Just sign here." A delivery boy pushed a clipboard and pen into Deidara's hands. He quickly scribbled his very ornate and 'artistic' signature, then accepted the package. "Have a nice day."

Deidara closed the door behind him as he wandered back into the living room.

"What is it sempai?" Tobi asked.

Deidara ripped the wrappings off the box then opened it to reveal Kakuzu's worst nightmare; bills.

"Whoa! That blonde kid sure eats a lot, un!" Deidara commented, eyeing the figure at the bottom, several times that of the previous bill.

"Excuse me everyone; I'm going out for a bit…" Kakuzu said. He stood up shakily and walked out of the door, closing it quietly behind him.

"He's gone to try and kill himself again, hasn't he?" Kisame said.

"I'll handle it." Konan ran out after him.

"Ooooo! There's a message at the bottom, un…" Deidara held the bill up closer to him, his visible eye straining to see what was written. "Hi Dan. He add two flow… what the hell does that mean, un?"

"Maybe it's written in some kind of secret code?" Kisame suggested.

"Let me see…" Sasori took the note off Deidara. "You idiot. It says 'Hidan's head to follow'."

"Well it doesn't look like that to me, un." Deidara sulked.

"I wonder how Konan's getting on…" Kisame thought out loud.

* * *

"It's not that bad." Konan said. "We all know you've got more than enough money to pay it off."

"That's the point. I haven't got enough money to pay it off…" He muttered something at the end that Konan didn't catch.

"Pardon?"

Kakuzu muttered something again, but Konan still couldn't hear him.

"I'm sorry; you'll have to speak up."

"I WAS MUGGED LAST WEEK, OKAY!" Kakuzu yelled. "I'M NOW OFFICALLY BANKRUPT!"

"You mean you carry all your money around with you?" Konan asked.

"Yeah. Where else would I keep it? I can't exactly just stroll into a bank and open an account now, can I?"

"True… wow… I can't believe you of all people were mugged…" Konan snickered.

"It's not funny! He had a gun! What was I supposed to do?"

Now Konan was crying with laughter. "You're a ninja, Kakuzu. You could kick his ass easily. Not to mention you have extra hearts, so it wouldn't matter even if he did shoot you."

Kakuzu just glared at her. "Promise you won't tell the others." He said.

"Okay, I promise." She was still giggling at Kakuzu stupidity. "Let's go back in."

They walked back into the base side by side, suicidal tendencies now gone.

* * *

"Oh my God!" Deidara was laughing his head off. "That's just too funny, un!"

"Who would have thought it?" Kisame said, also in hysterics.

Konan and Kakuzu walked back into the room, and everyone laughed even more.

"He had a gun! What was I supposed to do, un!" Deidara attempted to imitate.

"You were listening?" Konan asked.

"Yeah. There's nothing else to do around here." Kisame said.

"Oh and by the way, Hidan should be back soon." Sasori added.

"That's it! I really am going to do it this time!" Kakuzu yelled storming out of the room.

"Nice one, guys!" Konan said running out after him yet again. "Real mature!"

* * *

"Thanks for the ride, guys!" Hidan said to his new friends. "Really appreciate it."

"No problem." Kakashi said.

"I'm not a guy – I'm a girl!" Sakura sulked.

"Sure you are, Pinky." Hidan replied. "Naruto, put me through the letter box, will ya?"

Naruto picked up Hidan's head then got out of the car and ran up to the front door. "I don't think you're going to fit… your head's too big…"

The door suddenly flew open and Kakuzu ran out of the base in tears, followed closely by Konan.

Hidan watched them run past, wondering what the hell could have happened while he was gone. "Just leave me on the door step… and thanks for all your help."

"Until next time." Naruto smirked. He ran back to the car and jumped in. The car drove off into the distance, until it turned a corner and disappeared from view.

* * *

Itachi was stood in the living room, gazing out of the front window with his mouth hanging open. "…that was the kyuubi kid and my brother…"

"WHAT!" Kisame leapt up and stared out the window too, watching the car disappear around a corner.

"Hidan's back!" Tobi yelled running back into the room holding Hidan's head.

"Hidan! Why didn't you tell us you were friends with the kyuubi kid and my brother?" Itachi asked.

Everyone stared at Itachi, not because they cared about Hidan's stupidity at forgetting to mention important facts, but because they'd never heard Itachi say so much before.

If Hidan had shoulders at that moment, he probably would have shrugged. "Guess it slipped my mind…"

"How can you forget to tell us something that important! The Jinchūriki are the whole point of this organization!" Itachi yelled.

"Wow! You just shouted…" Hidan said in awe. "Welcome to the real fucking world!"

Itachi glared at Hidan and said "…". Kisame who had been translating for Itachi for a couple of years now had never heard such foul language from him. It was even worse than when Kakuzu told Hidan that Jashin wasn't real.

The door opened and Kakuzu walked in with Konan, looking extremely pleased with himself. "Hidan, you can have your body back."

"Well it's about fucking time!"

"-but, I'm keeping your scythe and rosary as collateral until you repay back all the money you owe me." Kakuzu smiled.

"WHAT! NO FUCKING WAY! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PAY OFF THAT MUCH, AND WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT PRAYING? I WON'T BE ABLE TO IF I DON'T HAVE MY SCYTHE AND ROSARY!" Hidan yelled.

"You'll just have to work extremely hard then, won't you?" Kakuzu said, obviously enjoying himself at Hidan's discomfort.

"YOU BASTARD! ONE DAY, LIGHTNING IS GOING TO SMITE YOUR FUCKING ASS, AND I'M GOING TO LAUGH MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!"

"You should consider being nicer to me… otherwise you won't have a body to laugh the head off."

Hidan just glared at Kakuzu, extremely pissed off. He then looked over at Konan. "I bet this was your bright idea, wasn't it?"

"It was the only way I could get him to agree to giving your body back." She shrugged.

"… Whatever…"

Konan wasn't one hundred percent positive, but she was pretty sure she heard something that sounded suspiciously like a curse come from Hidan.

* * *

**Several hours and a painful operation later:**

"Finally!" Hidan breathed, stretching his newly reunited arms out in front of him. "Now I can kick your ass!"

"Later!" Konan said stepping in between Kakuzu and Hidan. "Right now, you have a mission to complete, remember?"

"Shit!" Hidan cursed as he recalled the dumbass mission he was currently on. "I've already got plans for this weekend, so I guess I'll have to bring you all along with me…"

The Leader chose this moment to enter the living room. "Do these plans include a pilgrimage of any sort?" Pein asked.

"Yes actually, I'm going to visit the legendary site of Jashin's first massacre." Hidan said.

"Count me out." Pein told the group. "I've got more important things to worry about… in fact; I'm considering starting my own religion…" He wondered back out of the room looking pensive.

Hidan was staring at him open mouthed. He couldn't believe that someone just turned down the chance to see the massacre site.

"You idiot!" Konan hissed at Hidan. "Not only did you nearly let him know about the mission, you failed before it even began! What kind of a ninja are you?"

"One that's going out whether you come or not." Hidan left through the door. "I'll see you fuckers in a couple of days!" He called as he slammed the front door behind him.

* * *

Pein sat behind his desk, turning slightly from side to side in his swivel chair as he pondered the idea of a new religion. It was proving to be harder than he had originally thought to come up with a good idea. First of all he needed a God. He didn't know that many people, which kind of limited his possible options.

Itachi – He slaughtered just about the whole of the Uchiha clan... too much like Hidan's God. (Pein likes originality.)

Kisame – Too... sharky...

Sasori – A grumpy old man in the wooden body of a child. (Pein didn't need that kind of irony as a God)

Deidara – He's a nice enough guy… just impossible to respect. He doesn't have a God-like quality (although Pein was pretty sure Deidara would disagree.)

Orochimaru – Well, he's just a paedophile... and most likely gay (not that Pein was homophobic, it just wasn't for him)

Jiriya – Pervert. Enough said.

Tobi – Clinically insane

Zetsu – Almost two people. One God is more than enough.

Hidan – Already has a religion... and let's be honest, who in their right mind would worship Hidan?

Kakuzu – He couldn't even take on a mugger.

Konan – A woman, therefore impossible to be a God (Pein has absolutely nothing against women… he just wanted a God not a Goddess.)

What Pein really needed was someone who was attractive, intelligent, strict but fair, in possession of a good sense of humour and just generally awesome. That left only one person he knew- him. Seeing as no one else was suitable for the job, he'd just have to become a God. It couldn't be that hard, right?

* * *

About an hour later, Pein had finished practicing Godly poses in front of the mirror and was now sitting back in his swivel chair.

"This is actually quite fun…" Pein muttered to himself as he rolled about his office on his chair.

After a few minutes of gliding around the office, the Leader decided that the corridor outside would be an even better place to use his chair. He positioned it about five metres along the corridor, then walked back to the doorway of his office. He ran full-speed towards the chair and leapt onto it, sliding down the corridor at an insanely high speed.

* * *

The rest of Akatsuki were currently sitting in the kitchen enjoying afternoon tea, when they heard a loud noise whiz past outside the door.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

They all simultaneously turned to stare out of the door.

"Was that…

"…the Leader?"

"He's really lost it, hasn't he?"

"Good luck Itachi-san."


	5. 05: There's No Way I'm Wearing That, Un!

**Authors Note: **Really sorry that it's taken so long to finish this chapter. No particular reason for it other than life kept getting in the way lol. Anyway, this is probably the longest chapter I've written so far so I hope it was at least slightly worth the wait…

Oh yeah. I'm really sorry about this but as Itachi is going to be appearing a lot in this chapter and so naturally saying a lot, Kisame is going to be translating but it won't be written. If I did, then the joke would be seriously overused and I really don't like repeating things. It should be back to normal next chapter though. So enjoy :)

* * *

Chapter 5: There's no way I am wearing that, un!

"Hey Itachi-san, get up!" Kisame yelled at his partner. It was already afternoon and the Uchiha still hadn't left his bed even though it was his turn to alleviate the Leader's boredom today.

Itachi just grunted and rolled over, trying his best to ignore Kisame by covering his head with his pillow.

"Come on! It's your turn today!"

"I know already." Itachi groaned throwing one of his pillows at the shark-nin in the hopes that he would shut up, or better yet, go away. However, this was not to be.

"So get up then! It's already mid-afternoon and you haven't even got a plan together! What's the matter with you?" Kisame asked, starting to become worried at his partners odd behaviour.

"I've already made plans for everyone this evening, so will you please just let me sleep." Itachi all but begged.

"If you say so… I'll wake you up later then." Kisame left Itachi's bedroom, leaving him looking forward to the prospect of being woken up by Kisame yet again a few hours later.

"…"

* * *

"He says he's got plans for this evening, so that's when we're all going out." Kisame told the group.

"Oh… I wonder what…" Konan thought out loud.

Kisame shrugged in response. Itachi was proving extremely hard to predict. In all the years that Kisame had known the Uchiha, he had never once seen him show an interest in anything that could be classed as an interest or a hobby. In fact, Kisame was reasonably sure he never seen his partner do anything that could be called fun.

"WOOHOO!"

"Not again." Konan sighed.

The Leader had become bored of his swivel chair some time yesterday evening, and had now moved onto sliding down the banister at the side of the stairs. It wouldn't bother most of the members (who used it get down the stairs quickly each morning) if the Leader wasn't being so noisy and getting in the way every time someone wanted to go up the stairs.

"I'm starting to think Tobi's not so bad after all." Zetsu muttered to himself.

Sasori nodded thinking similar thoughts in regard to Deidara.

"Nope." Kakuzu said. "Hidan's still an ass."

"Yeah, well you're…" Hidan trailed off as he remembered who was holding his scythe and rosary. "… a very nice person." Hidan muttered through gritted teeth.

"Glad to hear it."

Hidan had arrived back at the base earlier in morning from his journey to Jashin's holy site. He had gone on about how wonderful it was for about an hour, not caring that nobody was listening to him. Then Kakuzu threatened to behead him again if he didn't shut it, so he went quiet fairly quickly after that.

"What's Itachi got planned?" Hidan asked.

"We just had that conversation, shit head." Kakuzu told him. "We don't know."

Hidan glared back at him, annoyed at not currently being in a position to retaliate, but when he got his scythe back, there was going to be pain. Lots of pain. Hidan sighed in ecstasy just imagining it.

* * *

Itachi rolled over and looked at the alarm clock next to him: 17:00. He dragged himself out of bed, showered, dressed, and then went downstairs to join the others (the Leader seemed to have moved on from sliding down the banister so Itachi made it down the stairs with no trouble).

"We're going." Itachi told the group who were all resting in the living room. The Leader, it appeared, was now sat in the corner attempting to solve a rubix cube.

"Where?" Kisame asked.

"The Konoha Beer Festival." Itachi informed them. "You'll all need disguises. There will be shinobi representing all of Konoha's allied villages so the chances of being recognized by someone are extremely high."

"Why don't we all just get pissed here then if it's so risky, yeah?" Deidara whined. He couldn't really be bothered to go anywhere this evening.

"It makes it more entertaining, don't you think?" Itachi smiled. It sent shivers down the spines of all the members (except the Leader who was otherwise occupied).

* * *

"Why do I have to be a girl, un?" Deidara complained looking at the dress Itachi was holding up with extreme distaste. The Uchiha had told them that to make the group less recognizable as Akatsuki members, some of them should also change gender as well as appearance. Deidara had been one of the few assigned this task. "You're more girly looking than me, un!" He told Itachi.

"Becoming a woman will come more naturally to you because you're more feminine acting than me." He explained to the blonde.

Deidara still wasn't convinced. In fact, he wasn't even close.

"It's quite a nice dress…" Konan commented as if that would make all the difference in the world.

"You wear it then, yeah!" Deidara sulked. "Because there's no way I'm wearing that, un!"

"Don't be such a baby and put it on." A husky feminine voice said from the doorway. The group looked over to the tall woman with long green hair stood in front of them. She was wearing a short, emerald coloured dress that flaunted a perfect figure.

"A true shinobi should be able to deal with any situation." The woman next to her spoke with a more girly tone. She had red hair put into an up-swept style and wore a long, backless dress in a maroon colour that complimented her colouring expertly.

Deidara nearly had a nosebleed as he eyed up the sexy women in front of him.

"See?" Itachi said. "If Zetsu and Sasori can do it, so can you."

The blood left Deidara's face as he realised who he had just thought was very attractive. He quietly took the dress from Itachi and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him so he could transform. "I'll do it, but if anyone mentions this again after tonight, your life won't be worth living, un!" He threatened.

Itachi eyed the group stood in front of him and came to the conclusion that if anyone could recognize them as Akatsuki right now, they must have intuition beyond the level of any human being he had ever known.

Sasori, Zetsu and Deidara were in their women transformations and Konan had kept her gender as female but had changed her hair to a long, pink wavy style.

Kisame looked just like your average chuunin with dark brown hair, apart from being a lot taller and muscular than most. Kakuzu also looked a lot more common except for a shock of ginger hair on his head. Hidan had dyed his hair violet as he claimed it matched his eyes; Kakuzu thought Hidan looked like he was…well… gay. Pein had black hair for the occasion in his usual spiky style. Tobi was wearing a neon green mask and had equally bright neon green hair, a little longer than usual.

Itachi himself was now a blond and had appeared to grow a few inches in height so he could now look Kisame in the eye instead of barely coming up to his shoulder like before. They were all dressed in suits (apart from the 'ladies') and it was Itachi's opinion that they all scrubbed up pretty well.

"Shall we go then?" Itachi said.

"Aren't we dressed a little too formally for a beer festival?" Konan asked.

"You can never dress up too much." Itachi responded.

Konan thought they would probably attract more attention with the way they looked now than they usually did. She didn't voice this comment though, because the smile Itachi gave before still brought out goose bumps at just the memory.

* * *

The Uchiha led the way out of the door to where the Akatsuki minibus was parked outside on the drive. It was black with the trademark Akatsuki clouds covering it and 'Akatsuki' written down both sides of the bus.

"Doesn't the minibus defeat the purpose of disguises if it has Akatsuki written all over it, un?" Deidara said skeptically.

Itachi just shrugged and reached into his back pocket, pulling out 10 matches – one shorter than the rest. "Let's draw for designated driver."

"Shouldn't this fall to Sasori seeing as he doesn't drink?" Kisame questioned. He liked to drink as much as the next person so he wasn't going to let this chance pass him by.

"Just because I don't drink doesn't mean I enjoy driving you around every time you feel the need to get smashed." Sasori replied. Itachi just held out the matches and everyone picked one.

"…great." Konan said sarcastically as she held up the short match she had chosen. It looked like she was going to be in for an interesting night.

* * *

"Holy shit! You weren't kidding about there being people from every village. This place is fucking packed!" Hidan exclaimed to Itachi as his eyes drifted over the scene in front of him. There was a stage right at the front, where currently a band was playing. In front of it, rows of tables were laid out and at the back was the bar set up under a marquee.

"Follow me and don't draw attention to yourselves." Itachi led the group past the tables to the bar. He got in the queue and in front was a very tall man wearing a long beige coat that trailed on the floor. He walked with an odd wobble and Itachi was convinced that he was talking to himself in three different voices.

"Errr… three of the Banana Bread beers, dattebayo!" The man in front ordered.

"…Coming right up…" The woman started to fill up the required glasses whilst attempting to engage in polite conversation with the man. "So… where are you from?" She asked.

"Konoh-"

"-The Land of Waves." The man seemed to interrupt himself in a slightly gruffer voice.

The beers were placed on the bar surface and the man hurriedly grabbed them then rushed off with his strange wobble. "Goodbye!" He called over his shoulder in an unusually shrill, girly voice.

Itachi stared after the weird guy for a few seconds before shaking his head and stepping up to the bar. "8 pints of the Nutcracker Ale and an orange juice please." Itachi ordered; the rest of the Akatsuki members stood behind him.

The bar maid eyed the strange group in front of her with a wary eye until finally coming to the decision that the man beforehand was even odder. "Sure thing, hun..."

* * *

There was a thump as Itachi banged his 15th empty beer mug onto the table and stood up rather abruptly. "Ryte, 'm goin' hit t' dance floor." Itachi slurred. "'Nyone el' comin'?" He questioned the group.

"No, I think it's just you." Konan replied as she eyed the rest of the present Akatsuki members, who were all slumped over the table passed out.

Hidan and Kakuzu had both passed out after a drinking competition – immortals it seemed weren't immune to the effects of alcohol. However, Konan was sure Kakuzu was going to be ecstatic when he woke up because he had won a lot of money off Hidan… where Hidan was going to get this money to pay Kakuzu off, Konan wasn't sure. He already owed him a lot from all the ramen bills.

Deidara (for tonight known as Yasu) was currently flirting with a group of men a couple of tables away. Sasori (or presently known as Naoko) had gotten bored of his partner's drunken antics so had gone for a walk. Apparently Kisame couldn't take alcohol very well as he had passed out after the second round of drinks, whilst Tobi had gone for the next round. The leader had literally drunk himself under the table and Konan wasn't quite sure of Zetsu's whereabouts…

"I'll come with you Itachi-san!" Tobi cried happily as he came back from the bar carrying the drinks. "Tobi loves dancing!" Tobi seemed to have completely forgotten about the need for secrecy so had gone back to calling everyone by their given names. Although to be fair, Itachi was too drunk to care, and Konan had long ago given up on trying to make Tobi listen.

"Let'sss go th'n." Itachi said grabbing hold of Tobi's hand successfully after the third attempt and pulled him over to where people were trying to dance – ninjas aren't the best dancers in the world and a lot of alcohol doesn't improve their sense of rhythm.

Konan sighed unhappily. She knew they were going to cause her a lot of problems when she got stuck with the job of designated driver but this was ridiculous. The tray of untouched drinks that Tobi had just brought over was looking more and more appealing to Konan after an evening of orange juice. "Well, one couldn't hurt, could it?"

* * *

"Well this is seriously dull…" Sasori (Naoko) complained to himself. He had become bored of watching the others make fools out of themselves a while ago so had gone to see what other people were up to. It turned out they were doing pretty much the same thing as the Akatsuki members, and as Sasori didn't think he was likely to see any of them again after tonight, he decided to head back over to his party where he could at least use it as blackmail later on.

He wandered past a table where a severely intoxicated pink-haired girl was doing a table dance, much to the pleasure of the group of drunken old men leering at her. Sasori sneered in disgust and was about to walk on when a thought suddenly came to him; didn't Konan dye her hair pink for tonight?

Sasori pushed his way through the small crowd to the front so that he could get a closer luck at the girl's face. His suspicions proved to be correct as he recognized the piercing below her lip. Sasori sighed and stepped up onto the table next to her. "Okay, shows over!" He called to the crowd making them clear away. "Nothing to see here!"

As the perverts moved away, he helped Konan down from the table and helped her to sit down. His best death glare aimed at the remaining few had them falling over themselves in the effort to run away (it wasn't as effective as when it comes from Hiruko but it still got the job done).

"Pein?" She questioned confusedly, looking at Sasori with unfocused eyes.

"You're really out of it, aren't you?" He replied dryly. "I guess I'm going to be driving us home after all…"

Konan replied by emptying the contents of her stomach all over Sasori's feet.

"Lovely…"

* * *

The bassist for the band performing stared over at the woman who had replaced their lead guitarist. It was all very convenient actually. Makoto had mysteriously disappeared just as the band was about to go on stage, then Midori had turned up claiming to be a massive fan of the band, so could play all their songs. She had lived up to her word and he was really beginning to enjoy playing with their new, temporary member. The fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous with her long green hair was a real bonus. He was even considering asking her out on a date after the festival…

What he didn't know was that their guitarist was currently tied up in the back of the Akatsuki minibus, being held hostage by a clone of Zetsu, or Midori as he/she was currently calling himself/herself.

* * *

"Hey Itachi-san! Isn't that Zetsu-san… errr… I mean Midori-san up on stage playing guitar?" Tobi asked his dance partner.

Itachi didn't really care what Tobi had to say at that moment; he was too lost in the music. He was actually quite a good dancer when he was inebriated. People were starting to move to the edges of the dance floor to give him room so they could watch him, Tobi included.

Tobi thought that now would be a good time to start cheering him on. "Go Itachi-san, go Itachi-san!"

* * *

"Quick! Under here!"

Sasuke (who was the legs of the operation) took Sakura's directions and dived under the table. They all crawled out from inside the coat and grabbed their hard earned prizes.

"All right! We did it!" Naruto cheered as he held up his beer.

"Be quiet." Sasuke hissed. "You'll attract too much attention." He also held up his beer mug. If the Hokage found out that they were drinking beer… well… Sasuke was pretty sure they could kiss goodbye to any chances of getting above a D-rank mission.

"Cheers guys." Sakura slammed her glass into the other two and they all took a sip of their beer.

"Ahhh! That's the stuff… I can't believe one of Teme's plans actually worked out. I still think we should have used Sakura-chan's idea though."

It was times like this that made Sakura glad she had an inner personality. She couldn't decide whether to be flattered by Naruto's compliment or outraged by his rudeness to Sasuke. So, she decided to let inner Sakura do the blushing and simpering ("Oh Naruto! Don't! You're making me blush!"), while her physical self hit Naruto over the head. "Don't insult Sasuke-kun!" She threatened.

Sasuke decided to ignore Sakura's outburst and replied to Naruto. "Sakura's plan? This is Konoha not Hogwarts! We don't have invisibility cloaks!"

Both Naruto and Sakura had just finished reading the Harry Potter series, so were totally in love with the idea of magic.

"We could always summon one…" Naruto suggested.

"Nah... it would be too far away to work with just a summoning charm." Sakura said.

Sasuke however, hadn't read the Harry Potter series or even seen the films, so was starting to get very annoyed by the direction the conversation was taking.

"But you have to admit, there are quite a few similarities between the people here and in Harry Potter. I mean just look at Orochimaru; Lord Voldermort wannabe or what?" Naruto continued.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. But who'd be Harry Potter?"

"Well… the Teme has black hair…"

"Yeah, but he doesn't have glasses or a scar."

"I can't do anything about the glasses but the scar…" Naruto pulled a kunai from out from his weapons pouch.

Sasuke was about to punch Naruto when loud voices drifted under their table. "GO ITACHI-SAN, GO ITACHI-SAN, GO ITACHI-SAN!"

The younger Uchiha's ears perked up at hearing the name of his older brother. He was about to crawl out from underneath the table and investigate when Naruto grabbed his leg and pulled him back.

"Don't be stupid! It won't be your brother! Sit down and finish your beer!" The blonde told him.

Sasuke gave Naruto his clans "don't you dare tell me what to do; don't you know I'm a Uchiha?" look.

Naruto gulped. Even he wasn't as clueless as to realise that this was the look that never failed to precede a fight.

However, Sasuke's face suddenly relaxed into a smirk. He lifted his beer to his lips and drank it all in one. "Satisfied?" He crawled out from under the table and went in search of the one named "Itachi".

* * *

Now alone, Sasuke headed in the direction of the cheering that had caught his interest. However, now he was beginning to regret downing that pint. His vision was becoming very blurred and he was beginning to feel slightly nauseous.

He kept walking, albeit not in a straight line, until he reached a crowd circled around the dance floor, cheering on someone called Itachi. Unfortunately he wasn't tall enough to see over everyone's head, so he decided to make good use of his ninja skills. He quickly formulated a plan to jump high into the air then come back down to the ground in slow motion, giving him enough time to survey the situation.

The youngest Uchiha leapt into the air and looked down into the centre of the circle. In the middle was a long haired blond man, currently in an impressive head-spin. He then dropped onto his belly and went into 'the worm' gaining even more cheers from his audience. Sasuke's eyes widened in shock as recognized his older brother's signature dance move. There was no doubt about it: this was Uchiha Itachi - the murderer of his family and a traitor to his clan.

Sasuke screamed; releasing all the anger, betrayal and bitterness he felt "ITACHI!" He landed directly in front of his older brother and punched him in the face sending him flying down to the floor. The crowd stopped cheering and went completely silent as they watched the scene in front of them unfold. That is, until someone at the back of the crowd opened their mouth.

"MOSH PIT!"

The last thing Sasuke remembered was the rest of the crowd roaring and running into the circle. After that, it all went black.

* * *

Itachi slowly came into consciousness and groaned as the bright light hit his sensitive eyes. He squinted and noticed Kisame sat by his side. "…What happened…?" He murmured.

"Not feeling so good?" Kisame asked smugly. "Memory loss?"

"Like you can talk Kisame. At least Itachi was conscious through most of the festival. You passed out after the second round!"

Itachi looked over at the door and saw Zetsu and Tobi enter his room.

"I guess you must have a pretty bad hangover, Itachi-san." Tobi said cheerfully. "But Tobi has to say; you're a pretty good dancer."

The Uchiha's eyes opened in horror as what Tobi said sunk in. "…dancing…?"

"Not only that." Zetsu added. "You were also nearly murdered by your younger brother then proceeded to get trampled in the resulting mosh pit."

"…Sasuke… was at the festival…?" Itachi said quietly.

"Yup! But at least you're not as hung-over as the Leader!" Tobi said cheerfully.

"…"

* * *

"I'd like to see proof of this fucking bet." Hidan told his partner. "I certainly don't remember promising to give you any more fucking money than I already owe you!

"Why the fuck would I lie to you about this! We all know that you're never going to be able to pay me back even if you do live for-fucking-ever!" Kakuzu retorted.

"So it wouldn't bother you if I didn't pay you back seeing as you've already resigned yourself to bankruptcy like the rest of us." Hidan replied. "I guess we can consider this debt cancelled and that you can hand over my scythe and rosary." He held his hand out empathise his point.

Kakuzu glared at the arrogance of his partner. "I don't think so." He said coldly.

Hidan just shrugged and walked away. "Can't blame me for trying…"

* * *

"Sasori no Danna?" Deidara questioned said partner.

Sasori sighed as his partner's voice distracted him from the newspaper he was attempting to read. "What?"

"You know last night, yeah?"

"I believe I was there."

"Well, I didn't do anything… you know…"

"Seeing as I'm not a mind reader, no actually, I don't."

Deidara ignored his partner's cold behaviour and continued with his questions. "Like… anything that could… well, cause me embarrassment, yeah?"

Sasori folded his paper then looked up at Deidara who was hovering in front of him, nervously awaiting Sasori's answer. The red-head soon came to the conclusion that he had two possible options; one was to tell him the truth and listen to his pathetic moaning about what an idiot he was. The other was to lie. Guess which one Sasori chose.

"No. You were fine."

Deidara smiled gratefully then left the room in search of others to question.

"Peace once again." Sasori muttered to himself. He lifted the paper back up to his face and continued to read a fascinating article on the strange disappearance of the lead guitarist a popular band.

* * *

"…my head!" Pein groaned clutching onto it.

"Well you did drink rather a lot last night." Konan replied.

"… I… did? …what actually happened last night?" Pein asked confusedly.

"You passed out after about eight pints." Konan explained.

Pein groaned.

Deidara entered the Leader's room. "How is he, yeah?" He whispered to Konan.

Pein heard this and groaned once again. He suddenly leapt up and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

"What's up with him, yeah?"

"After last night, most likely diarrhoea."

"What's that?"

"In your terms - the shits."

"Oooohhhhhhh…"

* * *

**Authors Note: **OK first off there are quite a few notes to follow this chapter. Yeah, I know, more reading sorry. Right the comment that Kakuzu thought Hidan looked gay. This is not meant to be offensive to homosexuals or people with purple hair, ok? There's nothing wrong with either so I really, really hope no one hates me because of that comment.

Also the meanings of the 'ladies' names lol:

Deidara was called Yasu which means peaceful… I thought this was kind of ironic.

Sasori was called Naoko which uses the symbols for honest and child. The honesty part also proves to be ironic at the end and he looks like a child even though he's actually not.

Zetsu was called Midori which means green. It seemed appropriate.

The band I used with the lead guitarist called Makoto wasn't meant to be a real life band so you can imagine whoever you want playing really. And if you're interested, Makoto means sincerity, although I chose this because it's actually quite hard to find a Japanese name that doesn't already belong to a Naruto character lol.

So yeah, that's all. Hope you loved it and look forward to Kakuzu's turn :)


	6. 06: 1 Million? DEAL!

**Authors Notes**: Sorry this chapter took waaay too long. But look on the brightside: it's here eventually and I'm finally over my writers block! This idea totally just came to me in the shower this morning (no idea why but there we have it).

I also added/changed a few bits in the previous chapters, so if you can't even remember what's happened coz it's been so long, now would be a good time to read it again. However, they were only miniscule details so if you can remember, you're not really going to miss out on anything.

Chapter 6: One Million? ...DEAL!

"Konan, you're going to have to help me!" Kakuzu told the woman stood opposite him. "I don't know what to do!"

Konan sighed and rolled her eyes. Ever since the incident when she had helped him overcome his bankruptcy (Well, mostly. When Konan walked past Kakuzu's room at night, she was pretty sure she heard crying) Kakuzu had been using her as his personal adviser. "I'm only going to say this once so listen closely…"

Kakuzu inched his head closer to ensure he received the ensuing piece of wisdom.

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" She yelled in his ear causing the Falls-nin to wince in pain. "One – I'm not you're shrink, okay? Don't come offloading all your problems onto me. Two – will you please get out there and start collecting bounties? So you lost all your money. You've got no choice but to earn it all back again, have you? With the amount of debt you've got yourself into, you don't have the time to sit around crying. And three – surely you must have some hobbies that we can all take part in and that will interest the Leader?"

Kakuzu stood in shock at the unexpected outburst from the kunoichi, trying to digest the information she had just thrown at him.

"Finally, one last piece of advice." She told him.

"What?" Kakuzu asked curiously.

"Try killing Hidan."

"Why?"

Konan had to smile to herself. She never thought she'd hear Kakuzu questioning that order. Or even needing to be ordered for that matter. "It won't get your money back but it will make you feel a whole lot better."

Kakuzu smiled evilly, sadistic thoughts running through his mind. "You know, I think you're right."

"But if anyone asks, it wasn't my idea, okay?"

"Just two more cards…" Pein muttered to himself. He was currently trying to build a pyramid out of a pack of playing cards and was just about to complete the tip of the pyramid. Unfortunately an untimely knock on the door surprised him, and the resulting jolt knocked the produce of two hours labour onto the floor. It was rather ironic actually because the same thing had happened two and a half hours earlier when Deidara had decided to stop by for a 'little chat' which basically meant listening to him bitch about Sasori and beg for a new partner.

Fortunately for Deidara, Konan had stopped him from killing the blonde by reminding Deidara that Sasori has been in this organisation a lot longer, he has a lot more experience and if anyone has the right to ask for a new partner, it should be Sasori for putting up with all the blonde's whinging.

Naturally, Deidara shut up as he couldn't think of an intelligible response, so Konan steered him out of the room to safety as she had noticed that Pein's right eye was starting to twitch – always a bad sign if one cares to live at least a few years longer.

The caller knocked again, this time a little louder causing Pein to be pulled from his current line of thoughts. "Enter." He responded wearily.

A briefcase overflowing with money, neatly arranged into rows of notes was placed in front of Pein. "I'd like to buy Akatsuki from you."

**10 hours earlier:**

_Kakuzu woke up, his eyes red and tearful from spending yet another night crying. His reached under his pillow to grab a tissue, only to find something even better – a 1000 Ryo note. Not only was it worth a lot more than a snotty tissue, it was also a lot more effective at stopping the falls-nin's tears._

"_How to spend it though…" He wondered out loud._

**2 hours earlier:**

_The phone just wasn't going to stop ringing, was it? 'Why was no one answering the pissing thing?' Kakuzu thought._

_With a sigh of exasperation, the ninja picked up said pissing thing, and barked "What!" into its receiver._

_When answering the Akatsuki hotline (0800-PAIN-FTW), one was supposed to say "Akatsuki – fulfilling all your malicious dreams for a reasonable price. (insert name here) speaking, who should I kill?"_

_Kakuzu nearly dropped said pissing thing when he heard something that sounded strangely like "Your shares in super sunny sun cream plc have just gone up by 10000000%"_

"_What?" Kakuzu asked. "I think misheard you."_

"_Congratulations sir, you're now a billionaire. The 1000 Ryo you invested earlier today is now worth 10 billion Ryo." The voice on the other end of the line told him._

_The ninja finally got to say what he always wanted to say "What are you waiting for then – sell the mother-fucking things!"_

"_Yes sir, if you'd like to come down to the office in the next hour or so, we will have your money ready and waiting."_

…

"_Sir?"_

…

"_Hello? Sir?"_

…

"You want… to buy … _Akatsuki_?" There was no other word for it – Pein was flabbergasted.

"I think you'll find 1 million Ryo to be a more than acceptable sum."

"…1 _million_…" Pein stared open mouthed at the huge amount of notes in front of him. "DEAL!"

"Well, with that sorted then, just sign here and let's get going!" The ninja announced cheerfully, thrusting a thick wad of paper under Pein's nose.

**Later that day:**

Kakuzu was a very happy man. He was laid on a sun lounger soaking up the tropical sun with a cocktail in his hand; on the deck of a private yacht of course. The rest of Akatsuki were all sat at the front of boat, discussing the day's events.

"Who would have thought it, un? Kakuzu becoming a billionaire…" Deidara said thoughtfully.

"Me." Everyone added in unison.

"What?"

"Well if you had to pick one of us as 'most likely to become a billionaire', you'd pick Kakuzu." Sasori stated.

"Reckon he sleeps on a pile of money?" Kisame asked.

"Nah, he'd be too afraid to crease the notes." Hidan sneered.

"Why did it have to be one of the immortal ones who got so rich, un? I'll never get my inheritance." Deidara sulked.

"You think that's bad?" Hidan asked. "The bastard's still insisting I pay him back for the ramen bills. As if he even needs more fucking money!" He whined.

Kakuzu had a crisis: he'd finished his cocktail and needed another one.

"Hey! Hidan! Go get us another fuzzy shark!" He yelled to where the others were sitting, dangling their feet off the side of the boat.

"Get it yourself, lazy asshole!" Hidan yelled back.

"You work for me now – it's all here!" Kakuzu grinned, waving a piece of paper around. "So go get it!"

"What the fuck are you on?" Hidan asked.

"Kakuzu-sama is now the Leader." Pein stated, whilst the 'Leader's' smile became even bigger in size.

"WHAT!" Several outraged Akatsuki members exclaimed.

"…" which Kisame translated as "lucky bastard".

**Authors note: **Yeah, a cliff-hanger! Sorry to be really mean and evil but it had to be done; otherwise the chapter would be way too long.

So, look forward to the second half soonish (and i mean the actual definition of soon, not my attempt at soon) =D


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